I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist