Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
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Happy Taco Tuesday
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”