villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
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People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
R.I.P.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
why would tinder want me to say this
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”