You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
You Might Also Like
Pretty certain I can more drunk
only 11 steps left
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
emergency phone
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.