Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.