professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
The only equipped I am is ill.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.