[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
fair
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.