My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
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Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.