Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
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Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Room with a view.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane