[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
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Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.