No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
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(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.