I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet