Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
when you are just born a rebel
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door