Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
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Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends