i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
You Might Also Like
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
There is no “we” in pizza
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!