Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
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I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
this came to me in a vision
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.