Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh