(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
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Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour