On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
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A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming