Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
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Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse