my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.