BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
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My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?