I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
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I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
R.I.P.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
motivation