I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
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One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
They did not miss in the small print
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.