What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
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Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Every damn time
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Always a metermaid never a meter
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE