*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
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WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
RT if you could go either way.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”