Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
🍛