*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
You Might Also Like
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Storm Tropical Storm
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
work smarter, not harder
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.