Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
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Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My dog ate my work from home.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.