Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Not even remotely sorry.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.