Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
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YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.