[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You Might Also Like
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert