Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
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Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
That’s no pocket rocket.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((