“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier