I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
No Google it does not
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
White Castle for the Win