No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
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I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Aight bet
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.