If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
same bro
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.