I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
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Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.