pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
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do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.