The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
that lip filler tho
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror