Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
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I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make