An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…