My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
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[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’