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A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him