I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”