DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.