(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
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As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
o shit
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”