This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
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Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!