Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn鈥檛, it鈥檚 shaped like an Italian car, didn鈥檛 you read my name?
meanwhile over on facebook
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can鈥檛 name 10 jesuses
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a pi帽ata.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Dogs are too pure for this world 馃ズ馃ズ
#goldenretriever #dogs
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Mondays aren鈥檛 too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts 鈥攆lamethrowers don鈥檛 hold much fuel.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo