I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.